Day 8 of Leave

I'm in OR right now, hanging out in the guest bedroom while uncle Troy, auntie Amber and the kids talk with Mason. I was in the same room as uncle Troy and dad and Mason yet they started talking about military stuff (Mason's boot camp "war stories"...) and I really didn't want to be a part of that so... now I'm in here, blogging.

I feel like... I'm dying... very slowly and painfully. Mentally wise, though. Last night I couldn't fix the issue with LittleBIGPlanet 2 so I stayed up, got horrid sleep, just to fix the issue and it was never resolved. I don't know what's wrong with it. I sent Playstation Network an email explaining the problem and I hope to get a reply back very, very soon. My anxiety is screaming! It wants that issue to be done and over with!

Soooo... because of the lack of sleep and my period, I am in the deepest, darkest hole. Depression is latched onto me right now and I am latched onto It. I'm thinking terrible thoughts, I just want to sleep and not eat (which I am doing...)... I don't know... I want to go away :( I feel like a pest... I feel trapped! I feel like I can't show my emotions or express how I feel or what's wrong with me because everyone (besides Draven) doesn't understand so they stop listening. They just think I'm some over-dramatic idiot. Weirdo. Freak!

Even Mason is like, "What the Hell?"

...

I'm telling you, I don't get People. See... What I do is I isolate myself when I'm in a bad mood. You think that's strange? I don't think so because I'm doing it for others; not only for myself. Since I'm in a rotten mood, I let others enjoy their happiness while I sulk and try and get myself to feel better alone. I don't want to ruin their day because I'm being a bad egg in the bunch. However, people come up to me with open arms, stating that they want me to join them - it would surely make me feel better.

Or so they thought... 

When I'd show that I'm not in the brightest mood, everyone scorns at me like I'm some alien from outer space. They'd tell me to suck it up, be happy, smile once in a while, etc. But... wasn't it THEM whom wanted me to join????? They wanted me to become part of the fun though I'm not in a good mood???? How would I randomly become in a better mood if they start to judge and tell me what to do??? That's why I isolate myself... So people can have fun as I fix myself and they don't have to worry.

I just feel like a failure...

I'm so lost.

I don't know what to do anymore...

What am I doing with my life and to those I love???

Signal Hill, California

A forest of oil derricks makes a ghostly backdrop for a conversation in Signal Hill, California, in 1941. The city is located north of Long Beach in Los Angeles County.