Day 124 of San Diego

Mom and I bought shipping wrapping paper and bubble wrap for Mason's desk. Mason said his computer will be ready for pick-up by tomorrow. His desk won't arrive tomorrow unless we flew it down. But we're sending it tomorrow and I hope it's at Mason's base within a week or less. 

I don't want Mason to use his bed sheets or a pillow as a prop for his computer anymore. I'm pretty sure that's what ruined his last hard drive. 

I don't know why I'm so concerned for his computer... I guess I'm saddened that Mason lost all of his data and I know I would be devastated if such a thing happened to me. I'm also grieving over losing a communication device with him. We don't need our communication to be strained in any way! 

The rest of the day, I bought Mason some Easter goodies; I goofed off on IMVU... That's about it. 

Did I mention IMVU was created on April 1st? How ironic is that? Considering IMVU has a majority of FOOLS!

Haha!

And yes, I'm calling myself a fool, too. I play the stupid game. That's pretty foolish. 

Speaking of foolish, my emotions are becoming foolish. I've been having tizzies with Mason for a couple days and it doesn't seem to be subsiding - the feelings, at least. Here's a scenario:  I must wonder whether I'm in the right for feeling irritated when someone tells me something (a statement, let's say, for not being able to do an activity) and when I ask "Why?" they tell me, "I don't know."

The "I don't know" response is what pisses me off. How can someone not know something when they insisted that they aren't able to do an activity? There has to be a reason behind thinking that, right? I can't say, "We won't be able to go to Disneyland next week" and someone asks, "Why?" and I reply back, "I don't know." It's like someone saying, "Because" after you ask why. Because why? Just "because"? 

There's always a cause and effect. Whether it be through conversation or physics. 

Maybe Mason and I need a break? I'm unsure if Mason will agree (because he always says we don't need breaks), but I think it'll help me ease whatever's bothering me about Mason and move on quicker. I'm constantly thinking Mason's going to hurt me in some way. That mindset might be damaging my logical thought process. Instead of telling myself, "Mason loves me!" I tell myself, "I'm a bitch and Mason doesn't deserve me." When thinking like the second statement, I'm automatically asking myself, "Why did he put that like that? Why didn't he tell me that straight up? Why isn't he replying back? Why isn't he reacting to what I called myself?" 

Yet I don't know if I want to take a break. I'm afraid Mason will get too mad at me and want to leave me because I did something we disagreed on a long time ago. And it's not like I'm taking a break from the relationship standpoint. I'm not going to go out with different guys, trying to tell myself Mason is the one. I already know that (even when he agitates me)! I just want to have Me time. I want us to pause the texting, the IMVUing... Pause our conversations for a little while. 

I know I said I didn't like it when our communication is strained, but... that's when I want to talk to Mason. And recently, I think I need some alone time and think things through without looking at what Mason's telling me, and not believing it or something. 

It's difficult to explain... I love Mason so much... Maybe not being able to IMVU him or Skype him is what's bringing me down...?

Honestly, I'm just fed up with us being separated. It's tearing me slowly apart.