Today is officially 1/2 of the way there.
I didn't dress up this year. Nobody had plans. We decided to hand out candy. We got a couple Trick-or-Treaters. At school I took a bag of candy for Italian class. Hardly anyone was in math class so I decided to hide the stash until I got to a class that in fact had students in it. The students in Italian appreciated the generosity. Even our teacher had a smile on her face when she learned I brought it in.
My mood is still low. It's to its lowest. I've been daydreaming about me and Daniel and Mason. We'd be together (in separate daydreams, that is), having a good time and acting like nothing traumatic ever happened or WILL ever happen. It calms me down for the moment yet when reality strikes and tells me that they are both gone, I get super sad... Lately, I've been daydreaming about Robert Downey Jr. and I. We'd hang out, like gradual friends would, when I'd tell him about how he reminds me so much of Daniel. Afterwards, we'd instantly connect and we'd promise to never ditch one another or part unannounced. Why am I daydreaming about a celebrity that I might never meet? Because I have this hope of, one day, actually getting the chance to meet him and bond with him and us turning out to be friends. This hope is greater than the hope of ever seeing Daniel again. I could become a multimillionaire for being an author. I'd meet famous people and possibly get to star in a movie with them or create a script for them. With Daniel, though he sort of lives right around the corner, I feel as though that chance of seeing him again will never occur because of what he did. Robert didn't hurt me. Not yet, at least. However, I don't see Robert doing anything as wrong as molesting a child or something as bad. Yes, he's done drugs. He may be still doing them! Nevertheless, he hasn't offended me which makes the chance of us getting together higher than the chance of me getting together again with Daniel. But I still daydream about him; about Daniel. I still miss him and I still somewhat love him like I used to.
-Sigh- I'm trying, guys. I really am. This is the hardest challenge so far in my young life. Some days I'd wonder if I should keep going on the relationship, other days I can't bare to think about us separating. Sometimes I'd think about Mason's flaws to try and reason with myself in leaving him, other times I'd remember the fun days we had where we'd be cute and corny with each other; making myself grin and feel joyful all over again.
I am using motivational pictures on my iPhone to keep myself going. On the lock screen, I have a picture of bold black letters asking, "WHO IS THE MOST AWESOME PERSON TODAY?" and below it, there's a hand pointing at you. For my home screen, I have a placid picture of fall leaves with bold white letters saying, "Don't give up." Every time I look at the "Don't give up", I usually whisper to myself or think, "I won't."
Therapy was alright. Didn't know what to say. I cried a little bit and felt embarrassed. Been a while since I showered tears in front of her. I'm still anxious to drive; at least to and from therapy. The streets are utterly narrow and I have some claustrophobia. I'm not getting as much practice as I do with the commute to and from school. My fear on my school commute has diminished. I guess it'll take longer with the therapy commute since I only go there once every 2 weeks.
... Have you ever sat in your vehicle, during a time when it is raining, and listened to the rain pitter-patter on your car or truck or whatever you had driven that day? Have you ever felt the sense of being safe and secure while doing that? I felt that today. It was interesting to listen to the rain on my car. It was soothing. I enjoyed it. I could have easily fell asleep it was so tranquil. Even though the rain makes me feel blue on some occasions, that moment, where I sat in my car at one of my college's parking lots, waiting for the time to pass by, I'd listen to the rain and I'd recline back and feel safe. It was kind of a beautiful thing. I was secure from the rain getting to me. I haven't felt that way in a long time; over a month.
I just want to be cuddled... I want to be hugged, I want my hand to be held, kiss me on the cheek and look into my eyes, share your sorrows with me, make me feel warm inside... I miss all of these things. I miss them deeply.
... The rest of the day, I stayed inside and watched the news. Hurricane Sandy made her mark in NJ, that's for sure. The carnival stretch where many, many, MANY famous movies featured it is demolished. Practically everything on that stretch is submerged under water... I always wanted to see that place in real life. It was heartbreaking to see it gone... Almost like a scene from a dramatic "end of the world" flick. Apparently it has been there for 40+ years! And to see it get eaten up by the ocean was... inconceivable! All these years of it being there and taking on previous storms, hurricane Sandy did the job of tearing it down... Now the question is, "What's next?"
After watching the news, I followed my dad outside and carved a pumpkin with him. He carved three others. The other two we left alone and I placed my littler pumpkins beside the pumpkin with vampire fangs. When it got dark, we put small candles inside of each carved pumpkin and lit them. They looked neat.
If only it wasn't a Wednesday! I'd be staying up all night and making my friends trail along side of me for trick-or-treating. They can leave their complaining at the door at their house! If I wanted to do it, I'd set stuff up!
Batgirl will be revealed one All Hallows Eve. She will be revealed.
