Well, today I started birth control. I took my pill at 7 PM. That will be my designated time for now on.
The entire day I watched Longplays on YouTube; particularly "Tomb Raider II." I adore Tomb Raider... I always have. I always wanted to be Lara Croft. My dad and uncle used to play the first Tomb Raider nonstop until they couldn't pass a level. I don't think they ever beat the game. Pity. At least there is YouTube. I watched how it ends.
Mason bought me the latest Tomb Raider for the PS3 a couple days ago. I might start playing it tomorrow. IF I can get myself motivated enough. As you can tell, all I want to do nowadays is sit on my butt and pretty much do nothing. I kind of enjoy it. Yet on the other hand, it gets lonely and sometimes boring.
I'm very lonely right now. Mason and I have really not a lot to say anymore. We don't have anything SPECTACULAR happening other than learning new things and meeting new people. Tomorrow will be different. The parents and I are going to Pike Place. Mom said that she didn't want us using our phones. Pfft, of course I'm going to text MASON! ... When we have something to say to one another.
This long distance stuff sucks... I'm glad I ended the Internet dating phase a long time ago. I would have become a cat lady or... fat. However, I can't tell which is worse; dating online but dealing with your loved one far away, or dating in real life and dealing with your loved one far away.
...
I'm going to guess the real life dating one. Because real life dating, you have REAL LIFE affections. You aren't using imagination to satisfy yourself. You actually get physical contact. And then OUT OF THE BLUE... they're GONE. It's as if you guys are now dating ONLINE because, in order to stay in contact, you have to use technology.
Scientists have proven that communication through technology can make a person depressed. I already have depression and with the added stress of depending on my phone or computer to talk with Mason, my depression AND anxiety got worse. That's why I want birth control to cease the pain. Or, at least calm it.
I've been thinking about turning off my phone... I think I was less stressed when Mason and I weren't talking to each other. Of course, I was lonely and WANTED to talk with Mason, but I wasn't getting angry at him for not texting me or wanting to Skype every day, etc. Shoot, I can't be angry at him over those small details. I don't ask him to Skype with me every day! I don't text him 24/7!!
-Sigh- See what I mean??? This life of mine... I didn't want to live a life like this. I'm a laid back person. I like things going MY way. I've always been that type of person who wanted things being handed to her... I've always been that type of person who would try to find the easy route out of stuff. And now I have someone who I love to death being the type of person I've always wanted to avoid... A soldier.
It was my biggest fear. My biggest dread. I knew I wouldn't be happy if I dated someone in the military. I knew I would be who I am right this second; feeling sad, having nightmares that wake me up in the middle of the night, feeling alone though I'm not.
I don't know what to do. I love Mason. He's my world. And yet, he's the thing I never even wanted to try and date... Because I'd be alone. And I'd feel sick each day out of worriment for his safety.
You know that feeling where you want to cry your eyes out, but you almost can't? Like... something is stopping that from happening?? That feeling is with me all the time. I want to cry so bad... but I won't...
All I can do is wait.
 |
| Kyrgyz Yurt, Afghanistan |
Blanket-draped yaks hunker down outside a young Kyrgyz couple's yurt on the eve of a summer trading journey. Made of interlaced poles covered with felt, these portable homes are packed up and reassembled for seasonal migration. Wooden doors are imported to the treeless plateau from lower altitudes.
No comments:
Post a Comment