Mason advised me the reason why I put him under pressure: because I beat myself up mentally (over constant mistakes). Not only do I get depressed, but so does he. He HATES it when I push myself to the ground when I do a small mishap that does little damage. Nevertheless, I think every mistake I make is tragic and can harm anything OR anyone, somehow.
I guess it is time to quit the habit. I always believed I was pressuring Mason by my lack of support. I've just been negative and sad and angry from us being apart... When in reality, it's because of ME tearing MYSELF up - not so much ME tearing Mason up.
In a way, I'm happy it's because of my conscience judgement to myself instead of my negativity towards Mason. Each time I'd get him upset, I would think, "Oh God... I hurt his feelings... I need to punish myself for this..." and I'll eat away at my self esteem. Now, I have learned that my decisions on how to take care of myself are WRONG, I'll change. For the better. For Mason. And for myself, too, I suppose.
Today was fine. Played more Tomb Raider.
I don't know when I'll go to sleep tonight... I can't sleep anymore... I'm not positive if I'm dreaming still. If so, they GOT to be what wakes me up.
I have HSN on right now. Lately, my house has been too quiet. I need something playing; like a TV show or a movie. Music doesn't work as well as the TV. Maybe the sound of people talking soothes me? Since... I am lonely? Either reason, I'm calm, which is good.
Let's see if I can stay up until Mason wakes up. He gets up about 4:30 AM my time. I'm going to surprise him with a, "Good morning, honey!" after his good morning text. :P
 |
| Kyrgyz Girls, Afghanistan |
After a hailstorm, nomadic Kyrgyz girls venture outside their mud hut beside the Aksu River in a remote part of Afghanistan. The nomads sometimes stop here for a few weeks between migratory seasons if grass for their herds is too scarce at the summer or winter camps.
No comments:
Post a Comment