Day 14 of Boot Camp

I don't have a lot to say about today. I know you all were waiting for a happy Pay Pay post because I was supposed to see a friend who I haven't seen in years yet... that didn't happen.

I woke up this morning, after having dreamt a series of creepy dreams, my brain was at least joyful to see a friend who I've known since daycare. I sent him a Good Morning text and went downstairs to sit in my infamous purple chair to wait for his text back stating he would want to see me at a certain time. I texted Scott while waiting so I could get the chills from my dreams out of my system.

Nonetheless, an hour later, my friend, Will, texts me back saying he forgot that he had multiple essays due tomorrow and a couple of tests also. So, we couldn't hang out. I was utterly bummed out... I was looking forward to this day since Wednesday! I pushed the depression deep down inside myself so I could be happy for today! And I get the text of denial... You know how miserable I feel? I feel pretty goddamn miserable.

And about my other friend, Miranda, who's blog post got a surprise comment from me? Yea, well, I haven't gotten a reply back neither. I'm sure she's busy in Turkey, but still; doesn't make me any happier to be patient.

Last night, however, I did play GTA with my PS3 friend, Blue. We played for a couple hours until he had to go to bed. It was fun shooting at people and crashing cars and creating glitches. We were laughing and freaking out the whole time; it was entertaining.

I did say I'd do it again tonight but... I'm not sure... I'm getting used to this lonely status. Maybe becoming anti-social is how I am supposed to go...

Become a mute.

Learn sign language.

People like sign language. They think it's intriguing.

...

My dreams were very realistic.

The first dream was a nightmare. It was quick, yet still scary and bizarre. My mom and I walked into this dim, dank room that was full of spiderwebs with spiders attached to them. Some of the spiders were ginormous, others were normal sized. You had to be cautious walking around the small room or else you'd run into a spiderweb and possibly its owner. You could hardly see the webs! You had to be at a specific angle to see them. Or, shine a flashlight on them works too.

I believe I spontaneously found a sniper rifle and began shooting at the individual spiders. I had a pretty good eye in that dream.

My second dream was even more unusual. All of my friends and people I knew from Evergreen were at this field. And this field was beautiful; colorful plants, flowers, and trees. The weather was gorgeous too; bright and sunny with baby blue skies. There would be these portal type deals where if you came close to them, they'd ZIP you to another field. And of course, more Evergreen students would be at that next field too.

Remember me talking about my one friend who crushed my heart and soul by ignoring me for good after telling him I liked him?

He was in this dream.

I tend to have dreams about him; only because we never had closure and my dreams try to create one for me.

In the dream, I saw him hanging around a few of my friends. But he'd also be acting as if he wanted my attention to be put on him. I didn't know why he'd be acting that way, so I kept slightly ignoring him. I soon teleported into another field with him surprisingly following me. Just then, I saw him walk up beside me and he took a hold of my hand. I was shocked! Why would he do such a thing? I didn't get an answer because that dream ended right afterwards.

The third dream was the worst. It started out with my middle school having a fashion show in this weird building. The room was little and wasn't all that neat. There was barely an audience. We all sat on the floor while a curtain held the kids behind it. They'd come out one by one, music playing, and they'd show off their outfits. I was sitting next to Mason and as the teachers prepped up the kids, I noticed the newest gym teacher who took the place of my friend/gym teacher. He looked IDENTICAL to my teacher friend. It freaked me out! I whispered to Mason, almost in tears, "He looks just... like... Daniel."

I'm not positive that I shared with you guys on what happened to him so... I'll tell you the story in a moment.

Once the fashion show was over, the new gym teacher left through a door. I decided to follow him. I wanted to get to know him since he looked so similar to my gym teacher friend, Daniel. What was most strange about the building, was that it seemed to be a part of a hospital. As I went through these tight corridors, filled with junk and garbage, I'd find myself in a hospital room with a couple of old folks playing cards.

Why did that image float into my dream? Don't ask me! I guess, because, every hospital needs old people I suppose.

Finally, I caught up to him. He was standing by a room with the door wide open. Caution tape was placed over the opening and inside the room, it was a mess. Flashes from a camera would go off every couple of seconds. I noticed some blood on the floor and a white board, propped up near the door, showing words printed in blood. I don't know what it said. I tried looking farther in the room but the teacher held out a hand, telling me to stop. Then, he walked away with me tracing his steps.

"You know, you remind me of the gym teacher that you took the place of." I randomly said to him. "Yeeaa?" he replied, acting as if he were annoyed with my presence. "Yea. What's your name?" "Deanirosi." he answered. And the dream ended.

I don't know the new gym teachers real name yet that name stuck in my memory compartment. I don't even know what he looks like...

Now, the story about my teacher friend is kind of long. It's dramatic, traumatizing, and true. After reading this story, you'll understand why I freaked out in my dream.

We met in 7th grade. He was the coolest, most sarcastic gym teacher I had ever met. He was handsome, fit, and loved to socialize. Whenever you hung out with him, he'd make you laugh. From the day I met him and got to know who he was, I got that girly school-girl crush on him. I'd hang out with him ALL the time; during class, during lunch, and sometimes after school. He was a coach for our school and another school too so he was usually always at school after hours.

People teased me because I hung out with him so much, yet I didn't care. I thought he was AWESOME. When 8th grade came around, we were so close, we had nicknames for each other. He was Loser and I was Homer. He'd call me Homer all the time. It made him laugh. When I began going to high school, I'd visit him still when school was out. Or, if it were gym and we were running around the track, I'd see him outside with his class and say Hi to him and chat with him for a while before we had to go our separate ways.

When I moved to my other high school, I hardly got to visit him. I was so busy every day! Junior year was nuts in a private school. However, when I'd get a day off from homework, I'd go see him. The last time I saw him was in Junior year. It was close to summer and I decided to pay him a visit. He was in the gym, coaching the girls basketball team. He was amazed to see me! Wide smile and sparkling eyes. I was real glad to see him too. I sat close to him on the stage, since I still had a crush on him, and we talked about life and all that was going on. Once the coaching was done, we exited into the boys locker room. Nobody was around. It was only us.

He kind of was acting awkward as if he didn't know what to say. He'd try to act funny but he really wasn't. He almost was being an ass. Ten minutes later, my mom came to pick me up. I said goodbye to him and hoped to see him sometime again. He said the same, calling me Homer as I left the room.

Senior year was finally here and I was, again, extremely busy. One day in January, before I turned 18 on the 25th, I was on Facebook messing around until noticing all of the excited posts. They were yelling out Daniel's name and saying, "Why?!" I immediately became concerned and found a link someone posted. I read the title of the article and my life stopped.

Highline teacher, coach charged with attempted child rape.

(http://www.komonews.com/news/local/134351908.html)

I couldn't believe it. The man who I hung out with almost every day had done such an unspeakable crime. Everybody loved him! If you would have known him, you wouldn't have guessed he'd do something so sinister. He had a beautiful wife and two kids; he'd always show me videos of his kids either playing the drums or doing something silly. We'd josh around and poke fun and have a great time together... Yet oddly enough, he never actually wanted to physically TOUCH me. Most teachers would give their students hugs because they liked 'em. Well, I know he liked me, but he never wanted to hug me or touch me or even be real CLOSE to me. There was also a time where he took pictures of me. He was joking around and I wasn't paying attention and he whipped out his camera and began snapping photos of me. I covered my face and pushed the camera away until he stopped.

Yet... I think he actually cared about me. That's why he didn't perform the crime on me.

Or... I just wasn't his "type."

I cried and cried and felt betrayed. I called Mason and cried to him for at least an hour. Mason let me know that it was time to let him go as a friend yet I said I wanted to stay his friend. But Mason told me I shouldn't. For months I had constant dreams about him; about me and him getting back together like the olden days. As I've said before, my brain wanted a closure and the dreams let me have one.

I wrote him a letter several months ago. He never answered back. I could have sent it to the wrong address but... still... any kind of response to my letter would have helped.

Obviously, I still do have dreams about him. I still miss him, I still want a closure, but Mason told me I couldn't do it without him being around. He doesn't want Daniel to try anything while I'm spilling my heart out to him.

You know who Daniel reminded me of? Robert Downey Jr. Same personality, similar looks; that's a reason why I love Robert Downey Jr. is because of Daniel. Nevertheless, nowadays it's mostly because he's Robert and not because he reminds me of Daniel.

Because of this occurrence, I have some trust issues. And I'd like to say I'm sorry to those who have felt that I do not trust them completely. This, and because of other happenings, is why I act that way.

Hopefully, in the future, I will have my closure with him. Or, hopefully I won't have to. He'll just become a distant memory.

  

Day 13 of Boot Camp

Lucky 13!

However, nothing lucky happened today...

Just another calm Saturday for me. Did some homework, played on the computer and watched movies. I took a walk earlier, thinking that would help my mood, and it kind of didn't.

Another restless night last night. I woke up to our sensor pointed at our backyard telling us somebody was back there. Yet none of the dogs were barking and dad couldn't see anyone. So, me being superstitious, I began psyching myself out believing someone from the "other world" is spying on our house, wanting to come in.

At first, I was like, "ZOMBIE!" then I said to myself, "That's stupid... Why would it be a zombie?" I agreed, settled down a bit, until another thought popped into my head; "GHOST!"

I'm silly, I already know that.

Because of me being silly, I stayed awake from 1:10 AM to about 2:30 AM. I watched American Pickers (amazing show) before my brain decided I was ready to pass out.

Ohhh, was my brain wrong...

I tossed and turned, feeling hopeless of a good nights sleep, yet kept trying.

Last night I was in a highly depressed mood. I felt like nobody wanted to talk to me. I felt sick. I felt alone. I didn't want to be with my parents because... their my PARENTS. So I went upstairs and SAT there. I was going to draw but my drawing skills have faded over the months... I blame the depression.

Suppose my depression is the reason for my bad sleep? I don't know... Probably will NEVER know. So I cried and cried and texted an old IMVU friend who I thought didn't like me anymore. I was a wreck... But my friend helped me out a bit. I just wanted to converse with someone! Anyone! I almost went back on IMVU yet I said to myself, "You do that, you'll feel a HELL of a lot worse."

If you've ever played The Sims, you'll know what I'm talking about when I bring up the Social bar. If your Sim doesn't chat with many people, the bar goes from green, to red. You don't want red! Or else your Sim will turn loopy... That's how I felt last night. I felt like my social meter was to the red. Lately, it's been in the yellow. I think it'll stay in the yellow until Mason comes home.

Jesus I miss him...

Today, I think I figured out how to keep myself occupied; by writing stories again. I was going to start up playing video games again however... that never came through. But with my knowledgeable skill for writing, I know for a fact I can at least work up some sort of story. I just have to keep to it!

Anyway... I really have nothing more to say... Only stuff about Mason; how much I miss him and how I hope he's okay. Is he making any friends? Is he being stubborn and not talking to anybody because he thinks all of them are assholes? I hope he's somewhat talking to people. I don't want his meter going to red or even yellow. I want his mentality sharp while he's in there. I don't want him to start crying and all of a sudden I have to go down there and kick some recruiter's ass because he was making fun of him!

Oh, wouldn't that be the day, huh?? Beating up a future Marine? Sounds like fun to me; if only she/he deserves it.

But yea... I better get to it with my story writing or I'll sit here and act like I'm in a coma.

I hope everyones doing great. I hope they're getting along good. And I hope their social meter is decent.

Arrivederci.

Day 12 of Boot Camp

I am so groggy, you guys...

My appetite sucks, my sleeping sucks... I don't get it.

I'm constantly having dreams. Mason isn't in all of them. I don't understand why I'm dreaming so much. I think I'm a light sleeper too nowadays. I'll wake up from anything; either my dad's car's roaring engine, or my cat licking and chewing on her skin. It's horrendous...

I haven't been wearing my relaxation band. I'll try it tonight. See if it actually works.

I DID, however, have a 16 oz Red Bull in an hour and 30 minutes today with only a croissant in my belly. I could be having my hyper crash at the moment. I was drastically fidgety at the end of math and during the entire class time of Italian. In math, I was doing extremely well with my multiplication, that as I got more problems done, my adrenaline from achievement leveled to high amounts where I wanted to RUSH out of the room and sprint around the campus!! It was worse in Italian. My legs were jiggly, my fingers were tapping, and I felt like I was about to throw-up. It was BAD. Once I was out of there, I doubted if I'd be as great of a driver as I seem to be while all hyped up.

In all honesty, I wanted to do at least 100+ MPH on the freeway just to get my heart pacing even MORE. Yet there were too many cars. Didn't want to endanger anybody. Despite my lack of cautiousness, I decided to turn up my radio and bump my dance music. My car was vibrating, I'm sure people were wondering where that ungodly music was coming from, but I didn't care!!

I was WIRED!

I did get home safely though. And when I started to talk? It got extensively humerus. My speech was almost gibberish! I was talking too fast, I would stammer, yet keep going!! I had so much to say in so little amounts of air.

Sooo... yea... I think I'm simply having a crash right now.

For my appetite? I don't know... I guess keep eating. I miss Mason scorning at me to eat... He hates when I don't eat.

Other than the hyper streak, my day was alright. Marissa wasn't in class but Jodi was. When I woke up this morning, because of the deprivation of sleep, I was somewhat in a dark mood. Nothing EVIL, just a bit sad. I'd sit at the table with my croissant in one hand and my small glass of Red Bull in the other and I wouldn't put either one to my mouth for at least a couple minutes. I'd just stare at the table, blank expression, retrospecting on me and Mason's life before he had to leave; before he was even getting calls from his SGTs.

It's like when I smell his shirts he let me borrow. I haven't washed them and neither has he so it has his scent. I'd close my eyes and inhale; receiving flash backs of us during our young, new relationship and also just a few months ago. It's hard not to cry when I do that. However, sometimes I need too. I can't bottle up EVERY tear.

I miss him holding me. I miss him texting me every minute of every day. I miss HIM. I'm sure everybody does.

I hope I get a letter soon. I have tremendous amounts of things to say to him. Mostly I love you's and I miss you's. I don't know if they get to call. Maybe the call to say that they landed was the only one? I miss his voice :( I'm sure he misses mine too.

... I have nothing more to say about today. TGIF. And about the memories; well... all I have to share is that we've been happily together for a year and a few months. Yes, we had our ups and downs, but even when we'd think the relationship was a goner, we'd Power Over Our Problems (or POOP as me and Mason called it) and get through it!

Oh, and, here's something me and Tay Tay thought up while walking home from Lincoln Park yesterday:

Day 11 of Boot Camp

Blast my memory!! Please excuse the last post. My goodness, I just wanted to make another one and continue with the memories but THEN... I'd feel like my blog would have been messed up!!

I'm highly OCD.

I don't know if I'll get to the memories today since I had a long day, however, I AM SORRY!!!! I guess I was too super pumped about seeing my old daycare friends that I didn't even want to BLOG. I wanted to celebrate!!! Nonetheless, I made a promise to myself to blog EVERY DAY until Mason is home. I have thought about continuing while he's at his main base for 4 years but... that's a lot of blogging...

Today was excellent nevertheless!! And because my homework isn't due until the 5th of October, I'm not hurrying this post. It is late though and I am ultra sleepy so... I might have to hurry because I don't want to pass out...

Anyway, school was fun. Talked to Marissa a bunch of course and learned new stuff in Italian. I went home, did some homework from Italian, then, when there was a knock on my door, I gestured in my friend Tay Tay.

She still looks the same and that's what I LOVE about her! We never age!! Muahaha.

We stayed at my house for a couple minutes to chat before we went off to Lincoln Park. The WHOLE stinkin' day we were blabbering on and on about EVERYTHING. It was SWEET!!! I and Taylor have that connection with one another where, no matter what we talk about, we will talk about it for as long as we possibly can. Suddenly, we'd be on the next subject! And it would go on and on... It's wondrous :D

We hardly sat down the entire day. We walked around, up and down, into the park and out on the beach. We had so much to say, that I think that was giving us all of the energy! We were so happy to see each other and catch up on what was missed between us!

As we adventured, we would randomly stop and take lovely photo ops because today... was gorgeous. I love being at Lincoln Park when it is GORGEOUS outside!! And since Tay Tay reads my blogs, she goes, "It's Payton outside!" That put a smile on my face. :)

Speaking of Mason's phrases, she told me that Mason used to talk about me aaaall the tiiime. Like, I believe it was during the time of our dates to Lincoln Park and he was chatting with Taylor about how much he LOVED me and how he hopes that I feel the same way back. Of course, being Tay Tay, she loves cute things. So she was as bubbly as could be while talking about how adorable Mason was when he talked about me. I bet I was blushing. I enjoy hearing stories about Mason conversing on how he loves me and how he feels. Makes my heart flutter. <3

We stayed at Lincoln Park for... I would say... an hour or two. I showed Taylor the places that me and Mason would hang out at. It was great fun! I missed it there... I wasn't sad. Only when I'd talk about me and Mason. I'd be giddy! But when I'd realize he's not here, I'd get kind of down.

The only thing that matters though, is us having a good time. If I'm smiling, then everyone's smiling. Unless they hate me. It just pisses my enemies off when I ignore them and enjoy life without their negativity.

So... like I said... we talked a whole lot, took a bunch of pictures, laughed and relished at the beautiful day at a beautiful park.

We walked home, even though my folks were down there running (they took a car of course), and Taylor walked half way to my house until giving me a secure hug and watching me cross the street so I wouldn't get hit by a car.

You know what's awesome about Taylor and Mason? They HATE me walking on the side of the sidewalk where cars are ZOOMING by. They always position me on the farther side of the sidewalk. It's nice that they like it when I'm safe :)

Thank you <3 I appreciate your concerns!

Okay... I think I can make it another 20-30 minutes... So! Let's continue those memories, huh? :D

After he spilled the beans over him fancying me, I wanted to scream out, "I love you, too!!" and smooch him on the lips!! However, life isn't a movie... You can't do retakes... So if I did something that I regret, well, I can't truly take it back.

My heart wanted to say it SO BADLY. But my brain ceased the explosion and I replied back with an, "Oh!" I wasn't too surprised but at the same time, I was! I was exhilarated that someone liked me!! More or less, LOVED me.

I added, "I... kinda guessed! But umm..." I didn't know what to say. I forgot all what I said but I know it wasn't something he wanted to hear... I believe I told him how grateful I was about him loving me yet I only liked him as a friend. He seemed a bit disappointed yet, like Mason, understood. Afterwards, we walked home. He wrapped an arm around my shoulders and placed his hand on my right shoulder. I wrapped my arm around his waist and as we walked home, I'd snuggle him. Then, I decided to do something DARING. And loving! But at the time, I felt like it was something TOTALLY hardcore and possibly dangerous... Yet I DID IT!

With my right hand, I reached up and took a hold of his fingers that gripped my shoulder. While we kept walking and him noticing my touch, he wiggled his fingers forward as I wiggled my fingers back and soon enough, we were holding on to each other's hands. For almost the whole way, we stayed like that. It... was... adorable.

Our third date was on his 17th birthday. I of course wanted to see him! We decided to celebrate at, none other than, Lincoln Park. We strolled from the park to the beach through the trails and through the sand. As we did, I'd hold on to his wallet chain. Well... that sly devil figured enough was enough and slipped his hand in between the chain and my hand and laced his fingers with mine. I was totally stunned! But once I realized what he had done, I became lovable and snuggled him while holding his hand back and continuing our walk.

There was a baseball game happening at one of the fields. We stopped, sat under a hefty tree, and watched the teams play ball. I cuddled Mason and he cuddled back. Oh... how much I wanted to peck him on the cheek! He said he wanted to do something similar. But we didn't! Too shy. Didn't know what would happen, either! Whether I'd slap him or kiss him back or he'd freak out or kiss me back! So we left it alone.

When it was time to go home, we went through this trail that would lead us up to the sidewalk. I had a warm feeling rise up inside me as we traveled through. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to tell him how I really felt. I told my mind to shut the Hell up and let my feelings flow.

While we leisurely walked along, our conversation stopped. My mind was BUZZING about all the different ways I could let him know that I actually, for a fact, love him back! Finally, an old school one popped in my head. I've always wanted to do this to a guy I liked and wanted to be with...

I stated, "Hey, Mason? Do you like magic? I know magic." He stops and turns to me. I stop on this log and he says, "Yea, I like magic." "Do you want to see a magic trick?" I asked. He nods and smirks. I go, "Okay! Close your eyes..." He does. I position him in front of me and mumble out, "You gotta stand in front of me..." The entire time, he had a hint of a grin on his lips. I didn't want that! So I'd tell him, "Relax! Don't smile. Be serious." He chuckles and hides the smile. After a couple of seconds, I say, "Here we go..." and I leaned over and kissed him!! His first kiss by the girl he cherishes! When the kiss was over, his eyes were sparkling, his smile was wide and cute, and I had the same expression. I hugged him and I whisper, "Oh Mason; your first girlfriend!!" He was giggling and we hugged for at least a minute. We were extremely happy. More than happy! Over-joyed.

As we walked out of the trail, I stopped in my tracks and said, "You know... can I kiss you again? I didn't really like that kiss. I wanted it to be better!"

I'm picky... I like things perfect... Not that I regret the very first kiss! Yet I had hoped it would have been as I planned.

So anyway, like Mason, he said the first kiss was perfect yet gave me another one. It was a little strange kissing my best friend at the time. However, I knew deep down inside, he was the one for me.

When we got to my house, we hid behind the Japanese Maple and hugged for a while. We then parted, kissed, and hugged again with him whispering, "I love you." and me whispering back, "I love you, too." We went our separate ways and once we did, I felt like my life was complete.

Aaaaand, THE END!!! ... Just kidding, I'll add a bit more the next time I REMEMBER. :P I do need my sleep, though... I am terribly exhausted. It's a good thing! But damn... Hopefully I'll get a good nights rest.

Oh!! Before I hurry off, I had two dreams about Mason this week! Two nights ago, I had a dream of us talking about World of Warcraft and how awesome their commercials are. Then last night I had a dream about us and other people trying to defeat an old Chinese emperor that wanted to KILL US by setting traps throughout our survival courses. I'd be worried sick for Mason...

Thankfully my dreams make him look like himself instead of somebody else and saying it's him. I hate when my dreams do that... But I guess my brain has enough memory to produce him just as the way he is in my dreams without myself feeling disappointed.

I do miss him though. Me and Taylor were laughing over the fact of Mason possibly being ripped when he comes home!! I don't know if he'd be ripped, but most likely VERY fit.

Me gusta :)

Day 10 of Boot Camp

60 more days ladies and gentlemen! 60 more days!

Sounds like a long time, doesn't it?

... Well it is...

But! I had a fantastic day today which puts me in a wonderful mood!!

My day at school was calm and, pretty much, relaxing. Not a lot of work, no homework, and... I just had a good time! After school, I got to my therapy session on time (and I thought I would be late... Aren't I silly?). I had a good session, got some things off of my chest, and once that was done, I called my aunt and hung out with her!

Guess what I had??

That's right... The BEST grilled cheesed sandwiches, tomato soup, milk, crackers, AND even a side of applesauce.

Boom.

Jealous?

:)

I didn't only eat. We talked up a storm. We talked about the past and about the generation of kids she had and about OUR generation. She showed me pictures of my friends I grew up with and it was amazing to see them older! Time flies and I'm not even a parent.

I stayed for a satisfying hour. I got numbers of my old friends I used to see every day for multiple years. Hopefully we'll be able to do a type of reunion before we get too old!

Thankfully, I don't have any homework. So I'm just chillin' at home at the moment. Dad's friend Vince is over, taking over the TV :P And I'm on the computer, thinking about taking a walk in a few minutes.

I found one of my friends on here! She's currently in Turkey, blogging about it too. Her blogspot is mirandainturkey.blogspot.com. I gave her a friendly surprise in a comment just a few moments ago. Hopefully she gets on, sees it, and FLIPS! That would be exciting to hear from her back.

A minute ago, I also got done texting another daycare friend who I haven't seen in forever as well. We're hanging out this Sunday :) Of course, I picked Lincoln Park :D I and Taylor are hitting up Lincoln Park tomorrow so that's why I decided not to go today.

Other then that, I will be contacting more friends later on this week. Maybe I'll be the one scheduling the reunion??? Heck, I'd love to!

Anything to keep me happy.

Oh! By the way... I found other cars that I've seen before driving my route! Not far but... I at least saw them. I know, I know... I'm weird!!! Nonetheless, I am a friendly person and when I see someone that I've seen before, I get attached and think it's awesome that I ran into them again.

A REALLY awesome thing about one of the cars, is that it isn't only a Solara (same kind of car as mine and same year, too), it's BLUE!! This cute baby blue!! I will admit though... it is kind of hideous on that car. However, I was immensely joyful to see that car because he/she lives just a block away from my house! I think... Ah well. At least I'm not alone in a sense :) I have my comfort cars.

(Check out this dude from The Voice! It's Vince's high school friend. He is SO good at SINGING!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pOIEKKYBdg)

Day 9 of Boot Camp

Hey! Guess who signed up with MFN? I did! The website is nifty. You get to learn a lot of what's going on at Mason's boot camp and how people cope with their loved ones being gone, etc. On Facebook, the Echo Company (Mason's boot camp company) has a page that you can Like and follow. I did that right away. Now, every time they post pictures (I still need to look through all of them and see if I could spot Mason), I'll try to find my honey and once finding him, initiate Flipping-Out mode.

I don't know if I saw Extra Small today. There are a lot of semi's driving down the freeway's I go on. He could have easily taken another route. It sure does get busy on the freeways; for the mornings, at least. And I doubt the semi-trucks appreciate that EVERY STINKIN' DAY. I deal with it too and so far, it isn't bothering me. I arrive early at my college, I get a parking space, and I'm far enough to take a 5 minute peaceful walk towards the campus. I also save $15 bucks where I park! So instead of paying the usual $65, I pay $50. Haha, suckers! Too bad you have to pay $65 dollars just because you people tend to be LATE.

Ah, the life of being an authoritative person... It's wonderful.

My math partner, Marissa, lend me her math book today so I could advance in the exercises since we are supposed to take the chapter test either this Friday or next Monday. We're only at 1.2... There's 7 exercises in chapter 1... We chitty-chat way too much... And you know what? I sort of LIKE IT. So suck on that, MATHEMATICS!!!

Yet it was nice that I am able to borrow her book. She told me she wasn't going to do the work at home anyway. Since I'm a nerd, I want to be an over-achiever in the group and continue forward instead of wait. Marissa was totally cool with that. I was glad.

Tomorrow I have therapy and Thursday I will be seeing my glorious friend Tay Tay. I think after Wednesday's session, I might go and see my aunt Maureen (I call her Aunt Reen for short) who babysat me since I was a couple months old up to when I was 11. She still does daycare! What a soldier. I don't even know how long she has been doing it for but... I will say... for a mighty long time. I haven't paid a visit to her in a while so... I think I'll go up there and say, "Howdy." and catch up on some stuff. Maybe she'll make me some of her grilled cheesed sandwiches with tomato soup and crackers with a glass of milk! My favorite! She makes the best grilled cheesed sandwiches; HANDS DOWN.

Then, afterwards, I might drive down to Lincoln Park and reminisce. Oh God, please don't let me cry in public! I should wear both my dad's relaxation band and mine at the same time while I'm there so I won't think TOO much about me and Mason. I'll stay there for about an hour; visit all of our places we hung out at like The Circle of Trees or the patch of grass under a tree that's pointed towards the beach and we'd sit there, listening to the waves role in and watch the ferries go by. That park always takes our minds off of the gloomy thoughts polluting our brains. But as the days grew closer and closer to Mason leaving, it was like I didn't want to spend our time there anymore. I guess it was putting pressure on me; letting me know that I'll be alone there while Mason's gone in San Diego. I tried so very hard to ignore and avoid Mason leaving... I think that's why I was so dramatic with him for the past couple of weeks leading to his departure. When we were in Oregon, visiting his family, I cried every time he wasn't in the bedroom. I secluded myself from him during that time. It was... about two weeks before he had to go and I was a mess. I almost wanted to go home. I felt sick all the time, I didn't want to eat, and I just wanted him to go already. It was hard on me to WAIT until he left. I wanted him gone. I didn't want to wait anymore. It hurt too much.

I even said that to him and I regret it... I was utterly upset, I was in the bedroom and he came in to check on me (because he knew I'd start crying if he was gone for so long), and I snapped. I told him how I felt. It wasn't true of course but in a sense it was. I didn't want him to leave... Yet since I couldn't stop that, I wanted him gone so I wouldn't have to wait...

I regret a lot of things that I've said or done to him... Nothing TERRIBLE, of course, but sometimes they would hurt his feelings... Scott advised me that boys usually brush that kind of stuff off of their shoulders quicker than I think. However, Mason's different. He's not like the rest. I beat myself up nowadays, every chance I can get, because I realize that Mason isn't JUST a boyfriend... He's my knight and shinning armor. He's my jewel in the rough. He's the boy who fell in love with me the first day we met and he kept his promise to keep trying in becoming my boyfriend and loving me for who I am. He knew I was the one. He didn't think of me as a girlfriend, and still doesn't; he thinks of me as his partner.

Because of my past relationships, my mind has been edgy. I know Mason is the one for me yet some days I say to myself, "He's gonna do something that will hurt you. He's a boy..." and that's HORRIBLE. He's NOT just another one of my BOYFRIENDS. He's my partner too. We're best friends, we're boyfriend and girlfriend - we're two halves made into a solid whole. And that's who I've always been looking for; my other half.

You know the saying, "You don't know what you had until it's gone."?

I know exactly what that means. I know what I have now and it took him to go to freakin' boot camp for me to figure that out. That's what I don't like about myself... Sometimes I need to trust myself. Sometimes I need to open up my eyes and say, "Yes, he is the one." and believe in it. Not go back and forth! I need to believe it because Mason believes it! Why shouldn't I? I should.

This is how my thought process has been since the first day he left.

Now you know.

How about those memories, huh? Are you ready? I am.

Our first date was delightful. Mason said that when I asked him if I could hang out with him, his heart stopped for a moment. We decided to go to Lincoln Park. This was the first time we went there together. It was fantastic! I got those butterflies again from just walking beside him yet I hid it well... I think. I was very cuddly the first date we had. It was comforting to be around someone that liked me and I've known them for a long time. It's not like hanging out with the kids at my new school who I called friends. It still was awkward being with them... But not with Mason! We had fun! We had a great time!

While we were there, we adventured through the trails. Sometimes, we'd get lost and find ourselves somewhere completely opposite to where we were. I thought that was exciting! Getting lost in a giant park! At least it was day time. If it was night time, then I might have began panicking.

Maybe not so much. I would have stuck around Mason a lot. He'd protect me :)

As the minutes flew, the butterflies would change into a fuzzy feeling then a warm feeling... I didn't know what was happening to me. I know myself; I fall in love fast! So I had to control myself and remind myself, "No boyfriends until college! Besides, you don't want to date a soldier, do you? Someone who'll be in combat and possibly die? That's not the kind of stress YOU need."

My mind was obnoxious...

However, I do remember when my feelings got the best of me... We were flirtatious with one another. Not so much in real life because we were shy, but over text we would tease one another all the time. It was entertaining. I somewhat led him on yet when I'd notice it, I'd calm down. I forced myself to NOT fall in love with Mason.

Like my stupid brain would overcome my heart...

I remember while we were walking through the trails, I hugged him and I accidentally whispered, "I love you." It slipped! It was faint but Mason told me he heard it. However, at the time, he acted like all I did was hug him. I do say, "I love you." to friends because, well, I love 'em! But when that slipped out, I knew it meant something more, so I initially added, "In a friend way!" Still, Mason said nothing.

On our first date, we found The Circle of Trees. We took a break and sat on this crooked tree's trunk. Alex was texting Mason a bunch and, to be funny, I texted Alex, "Stop texting my man, bitch!" I and Mason started chuckling when Alex texted Mason, saying, "Payton called me a bitch :(" We began laughing so hard! Of course, Alex was being a silly goose which made it even funnier.

I enjoyed catergorizing Mason as "my man" already.

As the sun set, we walked home. I didn't have my license back in the day so, instead of bothering our parents or family members, we decided to take the 30 minute walk. We didn't care that it was so long! We had all the time in the world. It was just lovely to spend time together. I'd latch onto his arm and hold it tightly as we strolled.

Once at my house, we'd hide behind my giant Japanese Maple tree and hug each other so my parents wouldn't see. When I was inside while Mason walked home, he'd ask, "Was that our first date?" I'd reply, "Yes." And he'd question, "Are we a couple yet?" And I'd answer, "Not yet, Mason." :)

Our second date we went back to Lincoln Park. I was AGAIN... intimate. This time, I upped the intimacy. He wore a "I <3 Boobies" band because his grandma has breast cancer. Before I got to know him well enough, I thought he wore that because he was perverted... I'm happy I learned the real reason.

He'd wear that band EVERY DAY. He'd only take it off for showers it seemed. He wore it so much, he has a band tan mark where no sun has gotten to that part of his wrist! It's hysterical!

So, since I was being more of a cuddle bear this day, I wouldn't only hug his arm and hold on to it, but I'd also hold on to his wristband. Sometimes, I'd even hold on to his wallet chain. They were closest to his hand. Since it was our second date, Mason became comfortable with me. While we walked, we'd hold on to each other. When we'd sit down under our tree in the patch of grass or in The Circle of Trees, we'd snuggle one another.

However, today was the day Mason wanted to tell me something important. I kind of knew what it was, but I wasn't about to jinx it! We wanted to look for The Circle of Trees but we couldn't find it anymore!!! It was as if it disappeared! We searched for a good hour... No luck. So instead of continuing the search, we found an empty area and sat down on a log. He sat very close to me, which wasn't anything strange. Until he grabbed onto my hand, fumbled with it a bit, before I had to help him lace his fingers with mine.

Yes folks, we were holding hands.

My adrenaline started pumping, my mind was boggled with thoughts, yet one thought kept coming up; "Tell me you love me. Tell me you love me!"

Mason began telling me how long we've known each other and how great friends we are. Then, I believe, he started hinting me that his feelings for me enhanced as the years went by. Finally, he said, "Payton, the fact of the matter is... I love you." and I felt the entire Earth lift off of my shoulders.

Okay people. How about we stop here? Of course I'll continue tomorrow!!!

Hey Mason's family (and anyone else who'd like it), if you would like a copy of the boot camp matrix, I'd be happy to email it to you. Just give me your guys' email adresses and I'll send it on through! It helps me. Maybe it'll help you?

          

Day 8 of Boot Camp

You know who makes me laugh?

Myself.

Every time I am home and doing nothing whatsoever, I'll go, "... Oh my GOD! This college stuff is preposterous! I don't want to do it anymore! I hate school!!! Boo, learning!!" Then the next time I go to college, I'm like, ":D This is FABULOUS!" So next quarter, I'm adding more classes.

Just thought I'd share that with ya. :)

Besides that random fact, my day was good. I made a vehicle friend today. What does that mean, you ask? It means I like someone who is going the same direction as I am! And usually sticks right around my car. Makes me feel comfortable that somebody is driving right along side me or in front of me or behind me in the same direction I am going. I say to myself, "Heeey, somebody is going the exact way I'M going... How cool!" The vehicle friend I made today was with a big ol' semi-truck. I call him "Extra Small" because on his license plate it had XS as the last digits. We went the same way for about half the commute to my college. Then he merged over into another freeway and I got sad... But! There's always tomorrow and that would be totally rad if I saw Extra Small again.

I wore the focus band today as I said I would. I did a lot more math problems than I usually do because me and the girl in that class talk and talk and gossip and giggle about everything. It's fun! However today, I was FOCUSED. I wanted to get this chapter DONE and OVER with. At least she wasn't offended or anything. I was still chatting with her and listening to her but we were mostly doing our work; AS WE SHOULD BE. Her name is Marissa (if I haven't already shared that with you folks). Bubbly girl :P

By the way, before I start back up on the memories, I ordered a shirt on MarineFamilyNetwork.com. It's sky blue with the Marine logo at the top left of the shirt with the words, "My Boyfriend. My Hero. My Marine." on the front in the middle; right around the logo. On the back I customized it to say, "May May + Pay Pay! Forever and always, my love!" It'll be here in 6-10 shipping days. I can't wait to wear it on his graduation!!

Hopefully I get to go...

My finals are around that same time and... I don't think I can skip those. What a dilemma! I better ask quick when the graduation date is or I'm screwed.

Alright... Let's get to the positive stuff. Here's more of the memories!

Now, I'm going to go back in time a little bit. I forgot to add this in the last couple of posts... The reason why Mason chose to ask me out in junior year was because over the summer, Alex wanted to see if Mason would hook up with this other chick who didn't even go to their school. Mason said she was an utter disgrace; a partier, a drinker, a drug user, and he believed, a slut. They stopped talking immediatly after about a month. Mason didn't know what to do. He never had a girlfriend before.

A couple nights later, following the time he ended the conversations with that one girl, he dreamt a dream he claims he will never forget. He was hanging around a bus stop. He didn't know why but he guessed he was waiting for somebody. When the bus came, dropping off spontaneous civilians, Mason was stunned to see whom came off of the bus last. It was me. He said I was GORGEOUS and once I saw him, I burst out in joy! We ran up to each other, as happy as we could be, and embraced one another. He even thinks we kissed.

When he woke up the next morning, he told himself, "What am I doing? I love Payton!!" And that's when he decided to ask me out.

***

After Mason told me he liked me, my confidence boosted out of the ROOF. I'm surprised it didn't make a hole...

I was electrified!! A boy liking me?! That was a shock! I almost had a heart attack!! I told my mom right away. I couldn't hold it back!! I felt like the special person I am.

The next day, I decided to go see him. I acted like nothing awesome had happened the other day. It was after school, I didn't get any of my homework done because I was too distracted by Mason liking me, and I asked if I could go see him. He said Sure and to meet him in his math class. So I walked over there, saying Hi to other old friends, until seeing him.

I walked up to him, hugging him, and began acting awkward. I forgot how to act around a boy who liked me... How was I supposed to act cool again? I thought I had lost that description in my memory vocabulary.

Yet I tried. I still was acting like nothing happened yesterday and that we were just amigos hanging out at my old high school. That's all. Nothing special. But as I'd watch him go around the room, helping pick up some messes under the tables or fix the windows blinds, my hormones started waking up after that long year slumber.

"What's going on? Why am I feeling like this??" My mind questioned. I was confused... Did I like him? Did I not like him as in a crush way and just liked him as a really good friend? I couldn't tell the difference! He was... he IS... so gosh darn good looking!

Thanks, Mason's family! Your genes rock!

Nonetheless, I told myself, "NO. No boys! Nobody! You will be single!!"

But I didn't want to be single anymore. :( I missed being loved in that sort of way. Yet I was scarred, and still kind of am, about my last relationships. They were hard on me... I don't ever want to encounter another relationship like those ones again.

I kept watching him, following him at times, and all the while, trying to loosen up. My brain was going, "No, Payton! You don't like him like that! Only in a BFF way, gosh..." But my heart said, "He's the jewel in the rough you've been searching for." And my womanly hormones weren't helping either!

Like I said, I was acting out of place. I'd hug him randomly and try to poke fun at him yet I was making myself look like a DORK. Not in the funny way either. Like the, "You're a retard, you know that?" way. I could tell he was trying to act cool too but we were just... not making progress at all.

Finally, he was done hanging out in the math class. We wanted to still be with each other yet we had no idea what to do. So... we stayed in the hallway. We sat down, leaning against a wall, and thought about what we'd want to say. However, you know me; I only start conversations by casually spitting out information. Any information. I wanted to talk about him liking me and for how long and what else he likes about me, etc. So curious, so curious... But I didn't ask because I didn't want us to all of a sudden feel weird. Instead, I pulled out my iPhone, scooted REEEEALLY close to him, and began playing Boggle. I suggested he play too because it's a fun game and he joined.

What I wanted to do the most, wasn't only to pester him about him liking me, but also to wrap my arm under his and continue to play Boggle. I do that with friends all the time! However, if I would have done it with HIM, it would have meant something a bit more...

Yet I DIDN'T DO IT!! Not because I was chicken, but because somebody ELSE was in the hallway!! Damn Eric...

After Boggle, we were bored again. But I still stayed super close to him. It was nice.

Suddenly, I got an idea. I asked if I could take a picture of us! He was camera shy and didn't think he was attractive. I convinced him anyway. I was wearing these pink funky sunglasses with my Seahawks hat and shirt. Mason decided to steal the sunglasses and wear them. I took the picture, we laughed and he gave the glasses back, until we sat there a little longer prior to leaving for home.

That's all I'll share today! Tomorrow, I'll add a tiny bit more :) Ciao!

Day 7 of Boot Camp

One week.

That's all it has been; is one week.

It feels like a month has already passed and I'm sure that's how Mason feels right about now. I watched a series of videos on YouTube that showed what it was like to be in the Marine core boot camp. It looked like it was made around the 90's, yet I'm sure the rules and how they treat their recruits didn't change much. I also believe that it was set in San Diego. So it gave me a greater view of what my May May might actually be doing.

Another relaxing day today. I will continue with my memories but right now I'd like to share with you how the fair went two nights ago! I can't believe I forgot to type that up in my last post! I just get so excited talking about Mason and about us that... I get carried away! You should see me in real life when I talk about him nowadays. I am a whip. I go on and on and get more hyper the more I speak of him. My Italian side truly shows the most because I am gesturing like a son of a gun. It's kind of funny. :)

NOW... I will tell you about my time at the fair...

It was a blast! Like I said, I did buy a lot of the things I wanted. We stayed there for a good 2 hours. Pitbull was there singing so we got to hear his music as we adventured through the buildings, looking for whatever we could find. God... And did me and mom make fun of the hussies who "dressed up" for the concert!! Jesus, some of them OBVIOUSLY don't have any respect for themselves... I'd be dressed the same way as I was; green sweatshirt, worn jeans with a hole at the knee, and green Vans! I wouldn't even do my hair! Just pull it up in a ponytail and wah-lah... I'm ready to see Pitbull!!

What we bought there wasn't ONLY food; we bought some cool wristbands, awesome shirts, some beads that suck up water to hydrate your plants, aaaand... I think other things too but I don't totally remember... Damn memory!

Anyway, you guys have to check out this website: RedChapterClothing.com. There shirts and stuff are AMAZING. They are incredibly SICK, it's stupid (That's a good thing!). I got a couple, my mom bought one, and my dad got a couple too. Mark Palmer designs them and they are MIND-blowing. They have great messages like, "When you walk through flames, hold your head up high." It's just so awesome! I fell in love. Too bad they are pricey! I'd go on a shopping spree with whatever they have!

The wristbands are neat too. There are all sorts of different ones: Pain Killer, Focus, Weight Loss, etc. I bought a focus one (sharing with mom) and a relaxation one (to help me with this anxiety and grief). I suppose they each send different signals through your blood stream or up to your brain where your brain interacts with the signals and changes your mood. It's like trickery! You put on the relaxation band and your brain goes, "Oh, I'm relaxed." and you don't have anxiety over something anymore. Like I put on the relaxation one, I had a throbbing headache, and the aching stopped right then and there. I almost began freaking out but I told myself, "Nope. This is legit." So we bought a few of those. I've been wearing my relaxation one all weekend. No anxiety at all! No headaches either! I'm just... chill as HELL. Then, when I'm going to school, I'll put on the focus band. Hopefully that one will work. Might have to lend that one to YOU, Chris when we're on the phone!!

Just yankin' your chain!

Yet if you'd like to try it, when I go down there next, I'll bring it and see how you feel :)

Or! Whichever one you'd like!

Okay?

Okay. :D

Alright... So all in all, I had a great, fun time. I needed it. On Wednesday, I am still going to my therapist and then on Thursday, I'll be seeing my friend Taylor (or, as we announce her; Tay Tay). I don't know what we're going to do! But anything will still be a thrill :)

Now... BACK... to MEMORY LANE!!! Shall we?

During a school break, me and the History Club class went on a trip to the East Coast! We went to Boston, Salem, Harlem, Central Park, NY City, and Philadelphia. Me and Mason weren't talking much then. We got into a couple of fights before hand about him telling me I was "shallow" ever since I switched schools. Our biggest fight was about him going to the Marines. I promised myself to never date a soldier... Well, look at me now.

However, because I didn't know many people at my new school, I resorted to him as the days went by. We talked A BUNCH and I was SO happy we were! I felt left out with all the other students... They didn't know me and I kind of didn't want to know them! They weren't like my friends at my old high school... They were a bit more snobby because they knew they had more money and loved to show it through how they acted. Mason was my comfort zone, even though he was across America.

One of the cutest memories I will forever cherish is when I first sent him a heart through text (<3). He said to me (not at the time, though) that when he saw that heart, he almost keeled over. He thought I'd never do such a thing! We were friends! Why would I? Because I cared about him. And hearts to friends mean I love them... In a friendly way!

We never called one another before. I think we were too shy. But I was in the hotel room with two other girls (one talked in her sleep...) and wondered, "Maybe I should call him instead of text him all the time?" The two other girls suddenly decided to go downstairs. I forgot why. But it was the moment where I texted him, "Could I call you?" And he said, "Sure."

I had so many butterflies in my stomach, I could have easily coughed one up. I didn't know why at the time.

I believe I fell for his charm already.

Nevertheless, I was STRICT with myself because of my last three relationships and how AWFUL they were. So I advised myself, "No, no, NO. You are NOT getting a boyfriend until you are in college. Is that understood?" Sheesh, I was my own overly protective mother...

When he picked up and said, "Hello?" my heart skipped... His voice was so deep and manly, I didn't know how to answer! I was shocked! I didn't remember his voice being so... HEART MELTING! Because of this over whelming moment, I spoke how I felt.

You should have saw me on the bed...

Rolling around, face gleaming, wide smile from ear to ear. I bet you my eyes were glistening. They usually do when I am at the peak of prime blissfulness.

I was in such a state, I told him, after the phone call, how much I loved his voice. I told him it was handsome and that it was nice to hear him talk. I also let him know that I was sorry for sounding strange, if I did. I informed him I was shy and he shared with me he was too.

Mason told me that when we had that phone call, he tried so very hard to sound as cool as he could be.

He did.

When I came home, Mason and I were still jibber-jabbering away. It was like old times. Yet we haven't hung out with each other in over a year. However, prior to asking him about hanging out, I was curious to if he even liked me like how I always believed. My curiosity got the best of me... I guessed he would say No because... I sometimes have that sort of "luck". But for some odd reason, I felt as if I should ask anyway.

And I did.

And after a few minutes of waiting and pondering, my cell phone vibrated. I fumbled with my phone, hurrying to check the response!

"Yes." was his reply.

Okay everybody!! I have school tomorrow! Stop keeping me up so late all the time! ;) I'll write about our memories some more tomorrow, don't worry. I got it! I understand! But I need my rest.

Goodnight everyone.

Day 6 of Boot Camp

Well guys, since it's the weekend, nothing exciting happened today. Unless you think me sitting on my toosh all day after being woken up by Mason's cell phone's alarm is a tad exciting. Then that's fine! But seriously, I just sat on my toosh all day in my purple chair playing on my computer and watching PewDiePie's (Pew-Dee-Pie) videos on YouTube. Fun stuff.

What I CAN do though is be a little cutie-pants (as Mason would call me) and give you guys some memories of us! Heck, even for you strangers it might be nice that you know who the Hell this Mason guy is; or even me for that matter!

So... Here we go!

Mason and I have known each other for 5 stinkin' years! Ever since the 9th grade! We were introduced by my MALICIOUS boyfriend since Mason and him were best friends. But nowadays, ooooh dear... After what my ex has done to me, don't get those two in a room by themselves! Same goes to the group of guys we hang out with! They hate him too!

However, though my boyfriend at that time was a flippin' jerk, I am happy he introduced me to Mason and the group of goofy guys. We all became friends. There was Alex (yes, the same Alex I texted to when I saw those douche-bags near me as I waited for my math class to begin), Anthony, Scott, sometimes a kid named Hal (who I've known since 4th grade), Mason, and my maliciously dumb boyfriend.

Nonetheless, there's always that one boy out of the whole group who falls in love with the girl who decides to become a part of the gang...

That was Mason.

He was head over HEELS for me the day we met and became pals. I knew I thought something was fishy with that fella as the days went by. I'd look over at him and he'd LOOK AWAY REAL FAST as if he were gazing at me the entire time.

He enjoyed me in these white jean pants I STILL HAVE THIS VERY DAY! Yet I'll stop there. You people who know me most likely understand WHY he loved me in those pants. I think a lot of guys did.

;)

The only thing I regret... is my memory and how my brain seems to remember all the traumatizing moments I had in my life instead of the great ones... So I'm sorry to say but... I don't remember much of me and Mason and anyone else I hung around. However, Mason has the memory of an elephant. That boy remembers every goddamn thing. He knows pretty much every dinosaur! It's brilliant! So I think when he comes back on his leave, I'll document his memories of us because I know he's replaying all of them in his mind right now at that boot camp. That's all he has of me... Just from his memories.

Sophomore year came around. I didn't truly realize Mason had loved me ever since the 9th grade. Maybe I thought he LIKED me... But I never saw myself going out with him or him even asking me out since we were best friends. So, after I broke it off with my malicious boyfriend and went with another guy, things started tumbling down hill. Not only did the third relationship in my life FAIL, but I just kept getting into some stupid drama that I didn't even ask for. I was tired of my old high school's student's behaviors. They were outrageous and uncaring and soon enough, I stopped hanging out with the group of guys and even another group that I believed enjoyed my company.

I became a loner. I didn't want friends. I didn't want to be bothered.

Mason noticed my absence in the group. He asked the guys and they all said I was with another group. I was. I did leave them for the other group because I didn't want to be around my malicious ex-boyfriend. Yet that second group seemed to shun me out after a crush of mine, who hung out with the group every day, ignored me completely once I told him I liked him on his 16th birthday. Crazy enough we knew each other, and were friends, since the 4th grade. I didn't know someone could be so heartless...

My parents became concerned for my well being. They suggested I go to a private high school. This high school was rivals with my old high school so I immediately dismissed going there. I was already with my therapist. My parents didn't know what to do.

When it was almost time for junior year to start, I said Yes to switching schools. I didn't care about ANYONE in my old high school. Even Mason. I forgot about everyone. I thought they all hated me and WANTED me gone. So I made my decision.

Mason didn't have a Facebook at the time. I was boasting endlessly on Facebook on how I was leaving my old high school for a better one. Some friends of mine were a little upset. But I didn't believe them! I was glad I was GONE! Away from the drama; away from the immaturity.

Over the summer, Mason had no idea. He had a plan too that dealt with me and the beginning of junior year. He told Alex, "Hey dude, I think I'm going to ask out Payton." Alex didn't know I was leaving either.

First couple of days went by of junior year. Mason didn't think anything of it. Soon, it was about a week and he started to get worried. He questioned a friend of ours, Taylor, and she let them know that I went to a different school.

Mason was crushed...

He missed me that whole year and he was bummed that he didn't get to ask me out! We never texted each other during junior year because... I forgot everyone at my old high school! I said, "Screw you! I'm out of here!" and changed myself completely. I became one of the rich kids... I wasn't snobby! But I didn't care about any of my old friends. They were nobodies. I thought being around rich kids, such as myself, would make my life grand.

That wasn't true.

Nevertheless, I was in a faze. I wasn't the Pay Pay everyone knew. I thought the "new" Pay Pay was "better" and "wiser". I kind of was a brat! I kind of was full of myself! And I didn't even feel the difference.

Soon enough, me and Mason were connected again. How? My dad picked me up from school in his nice dark navy blue 2008 SRT8 Dodge Charger (I had to give out the details. It's a SICK FREAKIN' CAR) and while we were passing my old high school, there was Mason walking home!! I got so excited to see him, I texted him telling him that I saw him walking home.

And that's all it took.

We talked nonstop for a couple weeks. Then something occurred where we all of a sudden stopped.

Another few weeks passed and for whatever reason, I sent Mason a text saying, "iloveyou." I guess I was having a great day and just wanted to spread the joy. I meant it in a friendly way yet out of the blue, Mason inquires, "Really?" And I go, "Yea :D In a friendly way."

Mason didn't reply back.

Unexpectedly, ALEX began texting me. I was confused until I read the text. He was asking me, "Do you love him?"

"No... I meant it in a friendly way."

"Why don't you like him?"

"I like him as a friend."

"Would you ever go out with him?"

"I don't know!"

I mean... he was BOMBARDING me with QUESTIONS and I didn't know why!!!

... Just then, my heart signaled to my brain, saying, "Pay Pay... Remember when you thought Mason had a crush on you? I think you hit the nail on the head."

I remember right then and there a GIANT grin on my face appeared.

I'll stop there for tonight ladies and gents! This post is LONG! Don't want to take you away from any other activities!

Don't worry. Part 2 will be out in the next 24 hours. :)

Take care!

Day 5 of Boot Camp

I had a dream about Mason last night. It was a very romantic one (so I won't go into detail!) but also a little unusual because... it's a dream. Of course you have to have unusual parts! Nevertheless, it was highly realistic. So realistic, I almost forgot about it once I woke up! I thought it actually occurred! Yet it didn't... That almost made me cry again but I stopped myself. I can't keep doing this to myself! I have to be happy... I can't be sad. Mason will be home in 3 months; even a little less than that! It feels like 3 eons however... I just got to cope with it. I don't want him to come home to his girlfriend on medication due to her depression getting out of control.

Though I was sorrowful that the dream was just a dream, I was also very joyful at the same time. I got to see his handsome face! He even had his goatee in the dream and I love his goatee! It's fun to pull on and make him squirm. He had to shave it off for Boot Camp...

But to tell you the truth, it was nice to have a dream about him finally. I miss that goober of mine!

Just being with him in that dream was outstanding... We were together! That's all I want for Christmas... Is my boyfriend. The love of my life. I seriously don't care if ANYBODY got my ANYTHING for this Christmas because... it's not what I truly want. I want my Mason. That's the greatest gift of all to me; probably the only one that I'll cry to. Tears of sheer happiness.

I think the reason why I dreamt of Mason was because I watched Full Metal Jacket and after I saw the scene where the chubby kid blew his head off, I got intimately worried. My heart sank to my stomach where it digested it and I crapped it out. I know Mason has strong-as-Hell mentality but what if? There's always that what if... What if he's being abused? What if he finds another girl? Too many questions and it kills me...

It was a great movie, but maybe it was TOO early to watch it. Yea, I've always wanted to see it! But... I should have waited a few more days possibly.

Since I'm already on the subject of yesterday, I will tell you that I have ceased (for now) my participation on IMVU.com. I did that TODAY because YESTERDAY I realized that people don't really care about one another on that chat site. I've been on there since 2007, so I have experienced and bottled up a LOT of unnecessary negativity. I was stabbed in the back (not literally) by a guy who claimed he was in the Marines then is now in the Army. I instantly connected with him because he reminded me of Mason and that he was in the military as well. After that day, I would go online and every time he'd get online, I'd try and invite him to a chat. I liked the guy! He was kind and generous and smart... I believed we would become BFF's.

JUST... KIDDING...

He turned out to be a fake. A phony. A douche bag out there looking for some you-know-what. I didn't give it to him so he acted like the "good guy" to see if I might cheat on Mason since it's online.

Right...

Like I'm that idiotic, pal.

Anyway, he found a girl and I guessed she would be nice like him. WRONG AGAIN. She was the biggest BROAD and BITCH I have ever encountered. I had to stalk him to a public chat just to see if he were alive because he never answered my invitations. EVER. So she started kissing on him and thinking I was gonna be some dumb slut. She called me a bitch and I ever so calmly let her know that I have a boyfriend. She didn't believe me (of course not... She's too full of herself!) and soon, EVERYONE in the room showed their true colors. EVERYBODY in that ENTIRE chat room was a loser. All of them. Including the friend that I THOUGHT was my friend. He never once stood up for me.

Typical.

So, I took him off of my friends list, left him alone with his "friends" and gave him a message letting him know that I don't hang around with fakes and that I wish we never met.

That's all I need right now, huh?

Just more crap to take in and try to stuff in my jar.

Well, not anymore!

I'm done with that website. Hardly anybody on my FRIENDS LIST cared about me anyway. Why bother with a bunch of screwy people? Why? I kept trying to find people to talk to but NOPE. A day would go by and I'd feel lonelier than before.

Now I'm going to try out this website called MarineFamilyNetwork.com. Those people on there, I already can tell, will care for you because they know exactly what you're going through. They won't brush you off of their shoulder thinking you're lying or over-dramatic. They'll most likely comfort you and be there for you.

And that's all I need. Is some comfort and support.

Other then that, my day today was fine. I met another person today in Italian. Her name is Jodi. The only reason why I can remember her name is because of Jodi Foster. My dad USED to be in love with her until he found out she was gay...

Maybe I'll add her to my REAL life friends list? That would be lovely. Nice girl :)

In an hour or so, me and my padres will be heading to a fair. I wish it wasn't so... GREY outside. I'd like for it to brighten up a bit. That would help my mood. Probably everyone's mood... Ah well. I know I'll have fun. I'll buy whatever I like there.

Day 4 of Boot Camp

I have been sitting here for... 30 minutes, typing on this exact post.

Why?

Because the post I WAS going to publish was just a bunch of babbling. I could NOT stick to one freakin' subject. My brain... will not... slow down... I am like Chris. We have a tendency to go from one subject to the next and continue on and on and on and on before POOF! Oh! We're on another subject now! Let's talk about this without ending the last conversation in an orderly fashion.

I love you Chris, but holy crap, we cannot keep focused...

Besides the point, I had a GREAT day today! I had a trippy moment while going to my math class but I'll get to that in a SECOND! Not in a couple MINUTES like my last post was about to say, I'll get to it in a SECOND, in a sense...

When I woke up this morning, I thought it was about to be a bad day... I felt like a widow. A. Goddamn. Widow. It was the most hopeless feeling I have ever experienced so far. It was tragic, but I didn't shed a tear! For some reason, my brain said, "Why do you need to cry? There is no need to be sad anymore. You have accepted him being gone. Get on with your day." And I did.

Recently it has been very foggy out during the mornings prior to the sun shinning in the afternoon until night. While I was driving, noticing how dense the fog was and how the sun eagerly wanted to beam its light, I was remembering a saying Mason used to describe sunny days. He'd get that little boy smile on his face and go, "It's Payton outside." which meant it was a gorgeous warm blue sky sunny day. He'd say that all the time... I thought it was corny as Hell but I loved it! So, as I kept driving and remember him stating that, I concluded, "This is how I feel; I want to share my sunshine but a heavy fog is blocking that from happening. Right now, it's Payton outside."

I got to school A-OK and without pissing anyone off :). As I was heading for my math class, I saw a tall guy walking towards me. He wore a green shirt under a black jacket with black jeans and shoes. He wore a plain tan fedora and all I could think was, "My God... And I thought I didn't have any fashion." While I was glancing at him, I noticed he was glancing at me back but would suddenly stare at the ground, making the hat shield his face. He did this multiple times and I immediately got suspicious and questioned, "Is that someone I know?" As we got closer, his clothing, body shape, and hair style reminded me of someone I won't DARE to be around... And once he passed, still having his hat shielding his face, I got a glimpse of the side of his face. The facial structure was the same and... I believe he might have been smirking...?

That did it... My heart's pace was beating faster than Speed Racer's Mach 5.

Why was he here?

Wasn't he going to another college?

Is he STALKING me because he found out where I go and he knows Mason isn't here to save me?!

The culprit who I thought I saw?...

An ex-boyfriend of mine...

Not just ANY ex-boyfriend, but a MALICIOUS one.

I am afraid of him and I WILL kick his ass if he tries anything on me...

Like Mason told me, "If he tries something on you while I'm in boot camp, let him know that I'll only be gone for 3 months and when I'm home, HE'LL be gone in 3 months... IF you know what I mean."

-sigh- ... What a hunk. <3 :D

But, as I was saying, I was freaking the Hell out. I was FLIPPIN'. I texted Alex and informed him about it. He wanted to know where he was when I saw him and I told him. Yet I didn't know where he went afterwards because I just wanted to get the heck out of there. I advised mom also and even my aunt and Chris. Mom notified that on his Facebook it said he was going to the college that I thought he was going to. But... even though one thing states something, doesn't mean it's the truth.

I believed I was hallucinating... I don't do drugs and I don't drink either so I was guessing the stress and the fears of what might occur while Mason is gone was brought up all of a sudden as I was walking to class! My mom told me that maybe my mind was playing a game; I see so many faces in just two hours that I might have seen a look alike and my brain initially reacted, thinking it was my ex!

I don't know... It was bad... I felt so nervous, I was fidgety. I was like this until Math began. Then, as we did work and I started talking to my math partner, everything was alright.

I think I'm making a friend! Or, maybe two as a matter of fact! One in math and the other in Italian! I don't know the guy's name in my Italian class but the girl in my math class is named Marissa. We were yak yak yakking the whole time! Hardly got any of our math done. :P

Nonetheless, I was walking to Italian, and bumped into a friend! I keep bumping into people I know! It's awesome! This time, I bumped into a friend from my second high school that I went to. Her name is Hanna and she is one spunky chick. We hugged and, as we blocked the staircase, we shared what classes we were doing and if we saw anyone else. It was comforting to see a familiar face that I DON'T despise. After a few minutes, we hugged again and said goodbye, hoping we'd see each other again.

Finally! I'm not so alone anymore!!

  

Day 3 of Boot Camp

I was hoping to be in a better mood when I was going to write this but... every little thing is getting to me.

One of my mom's friends was over at our house when I got home today. I've known him for a while and never thought of him as a bad guy or some jerk. However, today, I got offended by him. I'm guessing it wasn't his fault! He just says things without completely thinking, I suppose...We were talking about majors and degrees and what I'd like to do and how I have to switch schools in order to get my English bachelor. Out of the blue, the friend states that I'm going to change it down the road. I was baffled! Why would I change it? I've been wanting to become an author for so long! It has been my dream since I was 7.

I didn't know how to respond. I kind of went with it and chuckled a little and said I wasn't going to. But he kept saying I would or I could. Then my mom tried to make it into a JOKE which just pissed me off even more...

So... I became stubborn and acted like I didn't have an interest in his presence. Finally, he left. I was so angry, I picked up my laptop and went into the backroom. I didn't want to deal with my mom or anybody. I wanted to be alone.

Lately, I've been going through some crap. I don't know why, but I'd really like to know. Ever since Mason left, it seems to be GROWING like a virus and hitting EVERYONE. I'm just in the middle of it all...

Just like the "good" ol' days...

I'll try not to be so negative right now. All I'm saying is that... well... I'm not doing so hot anymore. I took everything in and now, my jar is full. I called my therapist last night to make an appointment and she hasn't called me or texted me back. I really hope she didn't forget about me...

I haven't seen her in over a year. Things were GREAT when Mason was around! He'd always make my days and he would always comfort me and make me feel better if something were wrong. He was my FREE therapist. He'd complain with me, too, which was fun.

But now... I kind of don't know who to turn to.

I go on a chat site called IMVU.com. I talk to people on there but even those freaks and ass wipes don't help. They're all a bunch of.... FREAKS and ASS WIPES. I do have a few people that are friendlies but... hardly. And usually they turn on me all of a sudden.

Do I have a curse on me? It feels like I do. I've felt that way for a long time. Just seems like... I'm... a PEST or something. I don't TRY to be. I'm just... ME. I didn't know that was something bad...

Anyway... Let's talk about something positive...

My driving today was better than ever so I gave myself a pat on the back for that (Yes, the to-AND-from commute) and the second day of college wasn't half bad. My math class I actually sort of like because it's on my level and everyone in there either hates math or is slow at it (like myself). My Italian class is getting hard already. A lot of the words and phrases are tongue twisters. I thought it would be similar to Spanish (which it kind of is...) yet it soooort ooof iiisn't...

Ah well!

THIRD LANGUAGE, HERE I COME!

My sobs and bawling have slowed a Hell of a lot down. I'm glad for that. I didn't want to be depressed the whole time Mason was gone. My mind is finally accepting his absence and in return, it gives me options to choose from in order to keep my thoughts at bay instead of wandering off in some Sad Land of Hopelessness and Concern.

I still do cry. I won't say I'm not. The only times I tear up or cry is either when I'm thinking about Mason or dealing with something negative (or dealing with something my mood doesn't particularly agree with). I just wish soon enough my emotions will completely settle down to where I'm back to the old Pay Pay.

And yes, Pay Pay is my nickname and Mason's is May May.

AIN'T THAT ADORABLE?!

I think so. :)

Day 2 of Boot Camp

I just came home from my 2 classes at my college. It was boring yet quick which was nice for a change. I don't have to be FORCED doing 6-7 classes a day for 4 years.

 

Remember when I said I hoped that I wouldn't burst into tears during my classes? Well, I didn't! Only during the to-and-from commute. I almost got into multiple accidents... I am officially out of it! Look out! Lethal lady on the road!

I should get my licence revoked...

This morning I had the urge to write a post but I had things to do and find and pack up. Every morning and every night I feel terrible. I feel sick and isolated. I feel like I'm waking up in a dream... I don't get a "Good morning honey, I love you <33333" or a "Goodnight hon. I love you <3 I will TTYL and maybe see you tomorrow too. Night. Sleep well. <33333333 I love you."

It's surreal.

It's hopeless.

Because of this loss, every night, prior to falling asleep, I lie in bed and "talk to him" as if he can hear me AAAAALL the way in San Diego. I just... whisper to him. I tell him I love him and I hope he's not scared. I always add that I miss him and I can't wait to see him. I sometimes tell him how my day went and/or what happened. Then I kiss the key he handed back to me (which I do time to time now anyway). Then I cry and sob, holding on to the shirts and jacket he lend to me, occasionally sniffing them to get his scent. That just makes it worse, sort of speak. His scent calms me for a moment, but once I realize he's really not with me, I bawl.

In all honesty, I didn't truly think my driving would be affected. Yea, I am kind of a crazy driver on the freeways because they make me nervous to drive on. Yet I almost got into literal car crashes! That made me flip out even more and got one driver extremely angry because I cut into his/her lane a bit too hastily and my car's butt almost hit his/her cars face! He/she had to brake immediately or my dumbass would have collided with him/her. Gah... She/he even honked at me... I hate it when people honk at me... Sooo... today, I felt like an ass on the road.

Makes me remember when I was playing GTA Liberty City Stories on my PS3 and Mason was sitting next to me. He was watching me drive and I think we were chatting about my actual driving skills in the real world. He said something like, "Honey, you're a great driver. But I don't think I would trust you driving me around if I first saw you playing THIS, driving like THAT!"

It was hilarious.

And it's true.

Matter of fact, I am somewhat a good driver.

... And I drive insanely on GTA.

Who doesn't?

Anyway, lets talk about my time at my college. I found a parking spot (which I doubted) and walked to my first class; MATH! I was sitting outside the room, goofing off with my apps on my cellular device, waiting for the people already in the room to leave. Suddenly, two dudes head my way. One sat down, the other stood. They were talkin' smack and gossiping and complaining like a bunch of 8th graders (Where I live, the 8th graders are pretty... well... wicked and annoying). They both looked kind of grubby; as if they didn't have a lot of money to buy decent clothes. That didn't bother me. What DID bother me, wasn't only how obnoxiously stupid they were, but was the fact on how they tried to look "gangsta". The dude that was standing wore a pink camo backpack while the dude who was sitting wore sunglasses and was playing with his fat iPod. All I wanted to do was text Mason, "OMG, I am sitting near a couple of weirdo douche-dicks who think they're tough guys! I hope they aren't in my math class!" Because seriously... That's ALL I needed; were douche-bags in a class that teaches a subject I IGNORE. Nonetheless, I texted my friend Alex, just to get the thoughts off of my brain.

After about... 25 minutes of their babbling, they left. I let out a giant sigh of relief - especially when class started and they weren't in my class.

Now, I was expecting the test to be hard. We couldn't even use calculators! The reason for the test? To see which book we buy. I guess the math class isn't just one big ol' lecture. We'll be working on our own and if we need help, we call the teacher over. I like out teacher. She's short, chubby, and Indian. Those accents ROCK!!!!

50 minutes later, when I had to go to my next class (Italian), I noticed I had only done about... 10 problems out of... more than 20 I believe. It was useless. I didn't even try to hurry up; I just turned it in and left.

My Italian class I KNOW will be a blast because our teacher is cute, Italian, and hilarious. Very bubbly too. It was good to laugh today. That was a plus.

A negative was driving back home.

I sucked... AGAIN.

Almost cried... AGAIN.

I turn on the radio each time so I could calm my senses. Sometimes it works. Sometimes.

Now I'm safe at home, relaxing. Later on this week I think me and Chris and maybe Grandma Debra will call and talk. We should Skype too. I love Skyping :)

Especially with Mason.

Day 1 of Boot Camp

Yesterday evening, around 5 PM, I took my boyfriend to his Marine corp. building. That same day, him and the other Marines went for a hotel to stay there over night until today when their flight to San Diego, CA would take place.

Yesterday, we hung out. We were calm and acted as if it were no big deal. We watched some Netflix and ate and romanced like an average day. Two days ago, we did the same but I got to spend the night. Yesterday's morning, it was wonderful to wake up beside him.

The whole day did have a horrible tension to it. Moira, his mom, would sometimes start tearing up and I had the urge to spew a few tears myself. But I stayed strong; for Mason.

As the time got closer, things got more depressing. While Mason packed up the things for me to take, and as he dressed up, me and Moira decided to do a flare. Sadly, yet hilariously, we had NO IDEA how to set off a flare. Dumbfounded, we pointed the opening down at our feet (not knowing it was the opening) while we pointed the string up in the air. We thought THAT was how you do it!

WRONG!

I yanked that string and PLOOM! Smoke everywhere and I was screaming endlessly while a flare bounced around our feet before going under the house. We then started laughing and saying, "We were gonna die!" or "That's not how you set off a flare!" As Moira got the hose and killed the flare, I went inside and coughed the smoke out of my lungs. It was nice to have a small chuckle to release some pressure. Yet it just came right back...

Soon, the time came. Mason hugged his bawling mother while he wailed and cried himself. I shed a few tears but still stayed strong. We got into the car and as I drove Mason to the building, I held his wet hand securely while still trying not to cry.

But once it came to the time that we were there and it was time to say goodbye, that's when the bawling happened. We jumped out of my car and embraced one another while crying and saying how much we'll miss each other and how much we love each other and how proud we are in one another; it was utterly heart wrenching.

The worst part was when we had to stop kissing and hugging and he took off the little key necklace I gave to him and he handed it back to me after kissing it. I got back in the car, we hugged and kissed again, and as I backed away to leave, I watched him say goodbye to me on the curb. I kissed to him and made a heart with my fingers to him as much as possible before I had to get on the road.

It... was... agonizing.

I didn't want to leave him there.

I wanted to take him home with me.

He's my baby! I didn't want to let him go! That's insane!

Yet I guess it is his turn to spread his wings and fly. And that makes me the happiest and the proudest girlfriend on this planet. He's doing his dream like I'm doing mine! And that's wonderful! It's beautiful!

Today, Chris, Mason's dad, called me. I texted him last night after unpacking all the things Mason let me hold on to and he told me he'd call me today. And he did! Which was lovely. We always have wonderful chats! And in all honesty, I highly doubt you could ever get us to shut-up. We love to chitty-chat.

Before the phone call, I hung out alone in my house playing on my computer and watching movies. My folks and my grandma's went to a fair today. I didn't want to go because I didn't feel up to it. It's my dad's and grandma's birthday today so... HAPPY BELOVED BIRTHDAY!!!! You old farts... ;)

However, I was pretty depressed the whole day... I felt alone... I snuggled and wore Mason's blue sweater (that I don't clean because it has his scent on it) and cried out a few more tears. I really, really hope I don't burst out crying during my first classes tomorrow in college... That would be pretty embarrassing...

Anyway, that's about it. We'll see what goes on tomorrow after my first day at college. Tootles!