I don't know if I saw Extra Small today. There are a lot of semi's driving down the freeway's I go on. He could have easily taken another route. It sure does get busy on the freeways; for the mornings, at least. And I doubt the semi-trucks appreciate that EVERY STINKIN' DAY. I deal with it too and so far, it isn't bothering me. I arrive early at my college, I get a parking space, and I'm far enough to take a 5 minute peaceful walk towards the campus. I also save $15 bucks where I park! So instead of paying the usual $65, I pay $50. Haha, suckers! Too bad you have to pay $65 dollars just because you people tend to be LATE.
Ah, the life of being an authoritative person... It's wonderful.
My math partner, Marissa, lend me her math book today so I could advance in the exercises since we are supposed to take the chapter test either this Friday or next Monday. We're only at 1.2... There's 7 exercises in chapter 1... We chitty-chat way too much... And you know what? I sort of LIKE IT. So suck on that, MATHEMATICS!!!
Yet it was nice that I am able to borrow her book. She told me she wasn't going to do the work at home anyway. Since I'm a nerd, I want to be an over-achiever in the group and continue forward instead of wait. Marissa was totally cool with that. I was glad.
Tomorrow I have therapy and Thursday I will be seeing my glorious friend Tay Tay. I think after Wednesday's session, I might go and see my aunt Maureen (I call her Aunt Reen for short) who babysat me since I was a couple months old up to when I was 11. She still does daycare! What a soldier. I don't even know how long she has been doing it for but... I will say... for a mighty long time. I haven't paid a visit to her in a while so... I think I'll go up there and say, "Howdy." and catch up on some stuff. Maybe she'll make me some of her grilled cheesed sandwiches with tomato soup and crackers with a glass of milk! My favorite! She makes the best grilled cheesed sandwiches; HANDS DOWN.
Then, afterwards, I might drive down to Lincoln Park and reminisce. Oh God, please don't let me cry in public! I should wear both my dad's relaxation band and mine at the same time while I'm there so I won't think TOO much about me and Mason. I'll stay there for about an hour; visit all of our places we hung out at like The Circle of Trees or the patch of grass under a tree that's pointed towards the beach and we'd sit there, listening to the waves role in and watch the ferries go by. That park always takes our minds off of the gloomy thoughts polluting our brains. But as the days grew closer and closer to Mason leaving, it was like I didn't want to spend our time there anymore. I guess it was putting pressure on me; letting me know that I'll be alone there while Mason's gone in San Diego. I tried so very hard to ignore and avoid Mason leaving... I think that's why I was so dramatic with him for the past couple of weeks leading to his departure. When we were in Oregon, visiting his family, I cried every time he wasn't in the bedroom. I secluded myself from him during that time. It was... about two weeks before he had to go and I was a mess. I almost wanted to go home. I felt sick all the time, I didn't want to eat, and I just wanted him to go already. It was hard on me to WAIT until he left. I wanted him gone. I didn't want to wait anymore. It hurt too much.
I even said that to him and I regret it... I was utterly upset, I was in the bedroom and he came in to check on me (because he knew I'd start crying if he was gone for so long), and I snapped. I told him how I felt. It wasn't true of course but in a sense it was. I didn't want him to leave... Yet since I couldn't stop that, I wanted him gone so I wouldn't have to wait...
I regret a lot of things that I've said or done to him... Nothing TERRIBLE, of course, but sometimes they would hurt his feelings... Scott advised me that boys usually brush that kind of stuff off of their shoulders quicker than I think. However, Mason's different. He's not like the rest. I beat myself up nowadays, every chance I can get, because I realize that Mason isn't JUST a boyfriend... He's my knight and shinning armor. He's my jewel in the rough. He's the boy who fell in love with me the first day we met and he kept his promise to keep trying in becoming my boyfriend and loving me for who I am. He knew I was the one. He didn't think of me as a girlfriend, and still doesn't; he thinks of me as his partner.
Because of my past relationships, my mind has been edgy. I know Mason is the one for me yet some days I say to myself, "He's gonna do something that will hurt you. He's a boy..." and that's HORRIBLE. He's NOT just another one of my BOYFRIENDS. He's my partner too. We're best friends, we're boyfriend and girlfriend - we're two halves made into a solid whole. And that's who I've always been looking for; my other half.
You know the saying, "You don't know what you had until it's gone."?
I know exactly what that means. I know what I have now and it took him to go to freakin' boot camp for me to figure that out. That's what I don't like about myself... Sometimes I need to trust myself. Sometimes I need to open up my eyes and say, "Yes, he is the one." and believe in it. Not go back and forth! I need to believe it because Mason believes it! Why shouldn't I? I should.
This is how my thought process has been since the first day he left.
Now you know.
How about those memories, huh? Are you ready? I am.
Our first date was delightful. Mason said that when I asked him if I could hang out with him, his heart stopped for a moment. We decided to go to Lincoln Park. This was the first time we went there together. It was fantastic! I got those butterflies again from just walking beside him yet I hid it well... I think. I was very cuddly the first date we had. It was comforting to be around someone that liked me and I've known them for a long time. It's not like hanging out with the kids at my new school who I called friends. It still was awkward being with them... But not with Mason! We had fun! We had a great time!
While we were there, we adventured through the trails. Sometimes, we'd get lost and find ourselves somewhere completely opposite to where we were. I thought that was exciting! Getting lost in a giant park! At least it was day time. If it was night time, then I might have began panicking.
Maybe not so much. I would have stuck around Mason a lot. He'd protect me :)
As the minutes flew, the butterflies would change into a fuzzy feeling then a warm feeling... I didn't know what was happening to me. I know myself; I fall in love fast! So I had to control myself and remind myself, "No boyfriends until college! Besides, you don't want to date a soldier, do you? Someone who'll be in combat and possibly die? That's not the kind of stress YOU need."
My mind was obnoxious...
However, I do remember when my feelings got the best of me... We were flirtatious with one another. Not so much in real life because we were shy, but over text we would tease one another all the time. It was entertaining. I somewhat led him on yet when I'd notice it, I'd calm down. I forced myself to NOT fall in love with Mason.
Like my stupid brain would overcome my heart...
I remember while we were walking through the trails, I hugged him and I accidentally whispered, "I love you." It slipped! It was faint but Mason told me he heard it. However, at the time, he acted like all I did was hug him. I do say, "I love you." to friends because, well, I love 'em! But when that slipped out, I knew it meant something more, so I initially added, "In a friend way!" Still, Mason said nothing.
On our first date, we found The Circle of Trees. We took a break and sat on this crooked tree's trunk. Alex was texting Mason a bunch and, to be funny, I texted Alex, "Stop texting my man, bitch!" I and Mason started chuckling when Alex texted Mason, saying, "Payton called me a bitch :(" We began laughing so hard! Of course, Alex was being a silly goose which made it even funnier.
I enjoyed catergorizing Mason as "my man" already.
As the sun set, we walked home. I didn't have my license back in the day so, instead of bothering our parents or family members, we decided to take the 30 minute walk. We didn't care that it was so long! We had all the time in the world. It was just lovely to spend time together. I'd latch onto his arm and hold it tightly as we strolled.
Once at my house, we'd hide behind my giant Japanese Maple tree and hug each other so my parents wouldn't see. When I was inside while Mason walked home, he'd ask, "Was that our first date?" I'd reply, "Yes." And he'd question, "Are we a couple yet?" And I'd answer, "Not yet, Mason." :)
Our second date we went back to Lincoln Park. I was AGAIN... intimate. This time, I upped the intimacy. He wore a "I <3 Boobies" band because his grandma has breast cancer. Before I got to know him well enough, I thought he wore that because he was perverted... I'm happy I learned the real reason.
He'd wear that band EVERY DAY. He'd only take it off for showers it seemed. He wore it so much, he has a band tan mark where no sun has gotten to that part of his wrist! It's hysterical!
So, since I was being more of a cuddle bear this day, I wouldn't only hug his arm and hold on to it, but I'd also hold on to his wristband. Sometimes, I'd even hold on to his wallet chain. They were closest to his hand. Since it was our second date, Mason became comfortable with me. While we walked, we'd hold on to each other. When we'd sit down under our tree in the patch of grass or in The Circle of Trees, we'd snuggle one another.
However, today was the day Mason wanted to tell me something important. I kind of knew what it was, but I wasn't about to jinx it! We wanted to look for The Circle of Trees but we couldn't find it anymore!!! It was as if it disappeared! We searched for a good hour... No luck. So instead of continuing the search, we found an empty area and sat down on a log. He sat very close to me, which wasn't anything strange. Until he grabbed onto my hand, fumbled with it a bit, before I had to help him lace his fingers with mine.
Yes folks, we were holding hands.
My adrenaline started pumping, my mind was boggled with thoughts, yet one thought kept coming up; "Tell me you love me. Tell me you love me!"
Mason began telling me how long we've known each other and how great friends we are. Then, I believe, he started hinting me that his feelings for me enhanced as the years went by. Finally, he said, "Payton, the fact of the matter is... I love you." and I felt the entire Earth lift off of my shoulders.
Okay people. How about we stop here? Of course I'll continue tomorrow!!!
Hey Mason's family (and anyone else who'd like it), if you would like a copy of the boot camp matrix, I'd be happy to email it to you. Just give me your guys' email adresses and I'll send it on through! It helps me. Maybe it'll help you?
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